That’s the question.

As I sit here contemplating this complex difficulty, I’ve been replaying unbridled conversations I’ve had with male friends and acquaintances, who, in most cases, would never share their innermost feelings openly. I’ve also thought about my in-depth discussions with women while replaying their social interactions with their significant intimate partners and other men. All the relationship articles I’ve read, and the many shows I’ve watched, have led me to conclude that most women in our society believe all men cheat.

I apologize for my curiosity as I inquire about your thoughts and opinions on this matter. Your response may fit with today’s accepted views on this matter:

• Men are horny dogs.

• They’re addicted to sex.

• They have no self-control.

• They think they’re God’s sexual gift to all women.

• They can’t keep their dicks in their pants.

• They think they’ll somehow be sexually missing out if they commit to one woman.

• Men are just assholes and bastards, good-for-nothing sons of bitches who need to die, die, nasty, horrible deaths. Ouch!

However, I believe there’s one valid fundamental reason some men cheat. Unfortunately, many in society question whether it is a man’s natural propensity to be monogamous. Let’s call that belief for what it is—bullshit. This seductive theory is just a copout by men who want to be promiscuous and women who desire a man by any means possible.

Before answering the question, “Why do men cheat?” let’s establish a baseline of indisputable facts. The bedrock of our judicial system establishes what’s permissible and what’s not, setting the framework to protect our societal freedoms. Disregarding the rule of law means we would be in non-compliance, committing a crime, or engaging in an impermissible act. We, as individuals, are our own judicial system in the same way. We’re the ones who must give or grant consent to others concerning what we consider permissible and not permissible in our lives. I’m not talking about the indifference that stems from the actions of others regarding the decisions they make toward us; I’m talking about the things we control and what we allow others to do to us.

What Is Consent?

• “Permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something” (“Consent,” n.d.).

What Is Rape?

• “Unlawful sexual activity, most often involving sexual intercourse, against the victim’s will through force or the threat of force or with an individual incapable of giving legal consent because of minor status, mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception” (“Rape,” 2022). 

 What Is Force?

• “To make someone do something difficult, unpleasant, or unusual, especially by threatening or not offering the possibility of choice” (“Force,” 1995). 

What Is Sexual Harassment?

• According to the US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination that violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964: “Unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment when submission to or rejection of this conduct explicitly or implicitly affects an individual’s employment, unreasonably interferes with an individual’s work performance, or creates an intimidating, hostile, or offensive work environment” (US Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, 1964).

The exploitive action of rape being an unlawful sexual act against a person’s will, whereas unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, or physical conduct of a sexual nature constitute sexual harassment, which is a nonconsenting act; we must accept that the power of our consent regarding the people we allow in our beds, our lives, and with whom we choose to love, honor, and commit is our choice and responsibility.

The undeniable fact is we’re the ones who must grant consent, and this also encapsulates another indisputable truth: the principle that it’s a woman’s body and her choice regarding all the decisions she makes concerning it, such as the following:

• Who she sexually gets involved with is her choice.

• To vet or not to vet her romantic partners is her choice.

• Whom she chooses to be the father of her offspring is her choice.

• Whether she chooses to protect herself against unplanned, unwanted, and out-of-wedlock pregnancies by using birth control or contraception is her choice.

• To have or not to have an abortion is also her choice. I’m not basing this on religious morality, but rather on subjective morality.

Some of us may not accept these facts as accurate; nevertheless, let’s continue discussing our relationship difficulties.

However, the question remains, “Why do men cheat?”

The facts that guide my convictions may seem downright offensive or hurtful because they challenge and contradict what we’ve been taught or accepted as truths about relationships. Please understand these are just the findings I discovered as I plunged into the relationship turmoil and behavioral patterns of men and women. To this, let me say “sorry,” and I’m afraid this is where I might offend, but the reason men cheat is – you.

“Wait, what in the hell did you say? Just another typical man, blaming women for all the nonsense men do.” 

No, I’m not blaming women for the irresponsible personal failures of men and all the dreadful misdeeds they do; I said you’re the reason men cheat. So, if you don’t mind, please let me clarify that statement as one of the truths I’ve come to accept about relationships. You may not realize this, but you’re the ones who continually set your relationships up for failure by repeatedly making the same unvetted choice. You habitually do it without hesitation. I’ve often wanted to hold my head and scream, “What are you doing?” or “What were you thinking?”

You may not want to listen to my lamentations because they go against everything you believe. It sounds like some masculine insensitivity or a betrayal of your self-esteem, especially from a man.

So, before we go any further, there’s one word I want you to remember: choice.

Some women believe men only want to sleep with as many women as possible, with no commitment. Have you ever considered the other side of that statement? Suppose a man is sleeping with twenty women; you’re also declaring that twenty women are giving themselves to this man, along with the sexual pleasures of their bodies?

“Yeah, but he might be lying to all those women.”

That’s true, but whose fault is that? Isn’t it the responsibility of those twenty women to vet, discover, or figure out his intentions toward them before they let him into their beds?

Let’s take everything we’ve discussed and their elucidations regarding choice, consent, rape, and force. Then we must conclude that if a man can only have sex with a woman with her permission or license, the question becomes, who’s having sex with whom? And no! I didn’t stutter; let me repeat that question based on the facts we’ve discussed within the relationship truths framework. If men need your permission to engage in sexual activity with you, are men running around having sex with women?

Or is it women who are running around having sex with men?

Please, please answer the question. And if you don’t want to, then let me respond with complete clarity of mind.

• Women are the ones who control access to sex.

• Men can only make a request or beg for sex and affection.

• Women are the ones who must give consent to men for them to jump into their beds, which is a woman’s unquestionable choice.

• Women are the ones who emotionally cultivate and decide which physical attributes and moral standards they’ll allow themselves to find sexually attractive in men.

Therefore, because the power of choice is yours, and you control access to sex, we must conclude and accept that it’s women who have been running around having sex with men, and not men who have been freely having sex with women. 

Finally, another fundamental relationship truth is out there, an ah-ha moment that needs to sink in—Men aren’t the ones having sex with women; women are freely having sex with men.

The Power of Choice

The power of whom you let into your life, your children’s lives, and your bed has been and will always be yours. You have allowed the desperation of “wanting a man, got to have a man” to cloud your perception.

Look, I’m not naïve or ignorant to the reality that there have been many times throughout history when wars, cultural malfeasants, false religious doctrine, political motivations, and the atrocities of slavery have tried to appropriate women’s power to control their bodies, and the right to choose one’s sexual partners and husbands has caused a scourge of devastation that continues to vibrate worldwide.

Juliana Menasce Horowitz and Janell Fetterolf (2020), with the Pew Research Center, reported on worldwide optimism about the future of gender equality: “Across thirty-four countries surveyed, a median of ninety-four percent think it’s essential for women in their country to have the same rights as men, with seventy-four percent saying this is very important.”

This continuing growing acceptance reflects the efforts of past generations of women who fought, died, and won many of the rights modern women enjoy today, including the right to be who and what they want to be, determine who they could love, marry, and allow into their bed, and have control of their bodies. 

The power of choice should always be the God-given right of every woman, and it should be paramount to those who have fought, won, or made significant strides in the struggle to fight alongside those who don’t have a political voice or equal civil rights.

You keep consenting and allowing the dogs, the users, the abusers, the cheaters, the liars, and all the other stupid-ass men into your lives and your beds. And when those relationships end, you then turn and blame the dogs, the liars, the cheaters, and the abusers for all the problems and failures in your relationships, and not the choices you’ve made.

When I stated earlier that you are why men cheat, I based it on the fact that, if you keep habitually choosing to get involved with cheaters, and they cheat or are unfaithful in all aspects of the relationship, whose fault do you think it is? I know you don’t want to hear this because the truth often hurts sometimes, but it’s your lack of responsibility for not properly vetting the men you let into your beds.

Many people don’t consider the significance of their choices or actions; we constantly operate in an emotional state where we don’t think before we act. However, having as much information as possible before making any decision is crucial for rationalizing our thoughts and desires, which helps us minimize the negative aspects of our choices.

I truly believe and will defend the rights of all women to do the following:

• Dress any way they want to dress

• Talk and express themselves in any way they want to

• Act in any manner they deem fit without apology

• Freely have sex with anyone they want to

• Be any and everything they want to be and go anywhere they want to go

However, we’re discussing the consequence of choice, which we have no control over, whether good or bad. For example, you can run in Central Park at 3:00 a.m. to clear your mind and embrace the joy of carefree living.

Unfortunately, you may fail to recognize or even consider that someone else, that same morning of your spiritual cleansing run, also made a conscious decision that they want to either rob, rape, or murder someone.

Their actions will become the consequence of the word I asked you to memorize–choice.

Unvetted Choices

We’re responsible for all the choices we make and the possible outcomes that follow. We shouldn’t blame anyone else for our failures. As I noted, if we choose a cheater, and they cheat, can you blame the cheater for cheating? How can we blame a dog for being a dog when he starts doing what all dogs naturally do?

The reactions of others to our choices are their responsibility and their choice. However, when you choose to get involved with a cheater you didn’t correctly vet, and he cheats, that issue is your tribulation to bear.

A man’s propensity for cheating is his burden and responsibility to correct and manage; it’s not yours. Trying to fix others’ perceived flaws is a futile endeavor.

Women’s Intuition

You’ve stated there’s something called a woman’s intuition. Let me ask you a few questions:

• How is it that your woman’s intuition gets conveniently pushed to the side and only seems to reappear when your relationships aren’t going the way you’ve orchestrated?

And why is your woman’s intuition now communicating its desire to seek answers to the questions you should have gotten from your lovers at the beginning of your entanglements?

• Are you in a relationship?

• Are you dating anyone else? (There’s a difference, so let me explain).

A woman will ask a man, “Do you have a girlfriend?” And, when he says no, they’ll conclude he said he was single and not sexually involved with anyone. However, he may be dating ten women who think he’s in a relationship with each of them because they’re sexually involved. Nevertheless, he may not consider his dating or sexual practices as relationships, and the truth is, dating is not a relationship.

• Are you married?

• Do you have kids?

• Do you pay child support?

• Can I meet your children, family, and friends?

• Are you sexually involved with your children’s mothers?

• Do you believe in the institution of marriage?

• Do you think sex and love are the same thing?

• What’s your stance on fidelity and commitment?

• What are your intentions for the future?

Acquiring the answers to these questions at this late stage, when you’re already sexually involved, could derail or destroy your present relationship reality, causing immeasurable hurt and pain. But do you realize you keep placing yourself in these predicaments by becoming emotionally and sexually invested in your relationships before appropriately vetting your potential lovers?

You need to ask yourself the following:

• Why do you keep ignoring all the red flags and your gut feelings at the beginning of your relationships?

• Why do you push your family’s and friends’ opinions aside, labeling them jealous, or trying to control and destroy your happiness?

• What’s so wrong with taking the time to authenticate your potential lover’s stated intentions toward you or finding out their moral and value structures at the inception of the relationship before you allow them into your bed?